What you are about to read may shock you and as a result, I am certain that this post may offend some, so I will apologize in advance. But...what I am about to write has to be addressed. I sincerely care about the future of marriages, even if those marriages don't exist yet. I am about to reveal the secret behind the eternal question that 80% of women are notorious for asking; "Where are all the good men at?" My challenge for you is to read this post in its entirety without dismissing it.
For the men, read this with an open heart. Step outside of yourself to challenge yourself. For women, make sure that you read this with an honest eye. Try to soak up every word that you read and don't rush through it.
The 80/20 Rule
There is a principle called the Pareto Principle or the 80/20 Rule. This rule states that for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes. This rule is mainly used in business where 80% of a business's income comes from 20% of the business's customers...or in leadership and team management where 20% of the team will produce 80% of the major results. Look at your life, if you did the math, roughly 80% of your best results in any area of your life comes from 20% of your best efforts. This concept has been proven to be true in mostly all arenas of life, including dating! Allow me to elaborate.
Women & Dating
Through my website and with my private practice I encounter a lot of singles, both men and women. About 80% of the single women that I encounter all say the same thing when it comes to dating. Let's call this group of women "Movers." Not only do these women share a similar disposition, they also share common life experiences. Movers participate in dating advice sites, secretly date online, and read blogs looking for information that they can apply to themselves and to their next potential relationship. These women present as focused, motivated, ambitious and serious. Movers communicate that they have a low tolerance for games, they know what they would like in a mate and they work hard to keep their dating bar raised. Unfortunately these same women also present as frustrated (both sexually and emotionally), lonely (at times) and quietly discouraged with their odds of finding a suitable mate. Movers will often ask the same question; "Where are all of the good men at?" This question is cloaked in curiosity but it is actually motivated by their frustrations. They feel that good men are on the endangered species list and pray earnestly for God to bring them their mate.
The last 20% of the single women that I encounter sing a different sentiment however. Let's call this group "Spenders." These women approach dating from a different angle. Spenders often don't struggle with finding good men, as a matter of fact; they often date multiple good men...at the same time. These women aren't concerned with longevity...only the immediacy of the moment. They want to marry but are more interested in short-term happiness. Instead of raising the bar, they purposefully keep it low enough so that their standards won't present as an obstacle for an interested man. Spenders are openly content with not levying loads of qualifications, stipulations and expectations on their man...after all, that's not what's important to them. These women value void fillers and aren't too picky when it comes to the tenant. Despite this however, Spenders are often the ones emailing me, calling me and meeting with me for solutions to learning how to pick up the pieces after yet another failed relationship...or they are asking me why they can't get over their ex. Either way, I interact with these women the most. Spenders actually occupy 80% of my time.
Men & Dating
Here is where it gets even better. Men, as we all know, date for reasons that are very different than women. Very rarely do we date to grow. We often try to grow the person that we are dating. Let me explain. While operating from my post at Single But Ready, I have had the glorious opportunity of seeing the truth behind dating habits and dating trends. I have noticed that men often go into the dating phase believing that they are already ready. Actually most men would admit that they are already "single but ready." Of course you won't be surprised to believe that the number of men who think this way is about 80%. Let's call this group "Pickers." Do the research yourself...you will find this to be true! As a result, you won't find these men on internet dating advice sites, receiving coaching and tools to enrich themselves, looking to find their purpose in life or looking to heal from past pain. Why? Pickers don't believe they need it. Oh, and my research is not biased by the way, I once occupied this group prior to almost ruining my marriage. Pickers never struggle with finding women because they believe they have dibs from each group of women (the Spenders and the Movers). Despite this belief, you will often find Pickers dating Spenders.
Why? The answer is pretty simple. Most men won't date a women who they feel will present them with more expectations than they put on themselves. Most men, because they already feel ready to date, won't look to date someone who is taking their time at learning how to date better. Pickers will most likely date the person available, flexible and open to the idea of looser standards. These men don't date to grow...they expect to grow the person that they are dating. They honestly feel that they are "good men" and most are...good men who want to change at their own pace. That leaves the other 20% of the men who are truly interested in changing. These men are called "The Planters." These men seek out dating advice sites, they want to heal from the past, and they don't feel like they are ready to date. Planters see the value in personal growth because they honestly feel that in order to succeed in their next relationship, they will need to grow first.
Doing the Math
By now you should have noticed a theme. If 80% of the men are occupied with 20% of the women...then that leaves the other 80% of the women to choose from only 20% of the men...men who are not really ready to date. Depending on how you define "good men," they are either busy planting or busy picking. If a Mover gets with a Planter...she will often grow bored, impatient or past him. She will be naturally drawn to the Pickers because of their desire for freedom, adventure and accessibility. These relationships often end fast however, due to his inability to grow at her pace (after all, she is a mover). Also, Pickers don't do well with Movers because he lacks the true relationship potential that she desires. He thinks he is ready to date...until he is dating a Mover. Then his deficits are exposed and as a result, he picks someone else...someone with fewer relationship requirements. Even though Movers are the most affected by these relationships, they do keep her momentarily distracted from the silence of being alone. In the end, she is left with one question..."where are all the good men at?"
Solving The Problem
So, what do you plan on doing with this information? What group do you belong to and what can be done to change the outcomes of your dating experiences? I have considered releasing a dating assessment that will allow you to see whether you are truly a Mover, Spender, Picker or Planter and plan to release a part 2 to this post next week where I will also discuss 2 additional groups for those who don't fit comfortably in any of the 4 groups that I discussed here.
Knowing this information will be valuable for knowing how to better position yourself while you are dating. I would love to partner with you in solving this problem. If you are interested in taking the assessment...I would love to hear from you. In the mean time, if you are interested in becoming part of a family that actually cares for your progress and well-being as a single individual, then subscribing to our site will suit you perfectly. I invite you to join the Single But Ready family by signing up below. By doing so, you will have access to my weekly email list and receive tons of free resources and tools that can help you get started.
What Do You Think?
Would you like to take the Dating Assessment to determine you dating style? Write your comments below.