single-questions

 

3 Questions You Absolutely Must Answer Before Dating Again & Why

Single And Frustrated? 

The solution to overcoming being single is to know how to be single. Okay, that was a random way to start off this post but stick with me for a while...I promise to leave you with something that will change your life. See, most people approach being single the same way they approach working their job. They accept the position that they are offered and the pay that they are given all the while hoping for a greater opportunity to present itself. Similarly, when it comes to being single and wanting to date, most people wait and hope for the right opportunity to present itself.

Allow me to take this a step further. For years now, I have coached clients on helping them to add value to their lives. Often I will get a client who states that they are working a job out of necessity, a job just to pay the bills. These individuals are extremely frustrated with their jobs and would like to move to the next "bigger and better" opportunity. Instead of supporting their personal campaign of upward mobility, I ask them a very specific and often confusing question. The question is: "What have you gained from your current opportunity that you will need for your next opportunity?" Most people stare blankly at me for a few seconds before responding..."I don't get it?" They are truly confused because to them, their current job only serves as a temporary speed bump...an obstacle that has slowed and possibly rerouted them from reaching their promise land. It is this notion that I have found to be in stark comparison to individuals who are single.  

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

No matter what singles say on the surface, most secretly view being single as a temporary holding cell, similar to their job, where they are just waiting for all of the stars to line up for them. I promise that I have even had one client say that they felt like this would be them:

Beetlejuice

If you remember this scene from the classic movie; Beetlejuice, you get it, lol!

The problem with this mindset is that it is assuming that the stage of singleness is useless. And that your "luck" at dating is just as random as your number finally being called. This is the first challenge that I introduce to my clients. The notion that if you are looking to escape being single, you won't truly benefit from being single. And once you finally get into a relationship, you will miss the tools needed to maintain the relationship because you did not get them when you were supposed to get them. Simply put, if you don't learn "who" to be while you are single, you won't know "how" to be when you are dating. If you can't answer 3 very specific questions while you are single, you aren't ready to be in a serious relationship. These 3 questions should always be answered prior to entering into a serious relationship.  

3 Questions

Question #1:  What Does The Current Path Of My Life Tell Me About My Future?  I want you to do an experiment with me. I will ask you a question and I want you to answer it honestly. The question: Think of the worst moment of your life...the most traumatic moment that you have ever endured. If you had the choice, would you get rid of it?

If you are like 85% of the people asked, you probably said "heck yea!" I mean, let's say that you were physically abused, why would you not want to rid yourself of the pain and turmoil that you experienced? Anybody would right...? Even though most people answered yes, the correct solution is never to be released from your past. One of the things that I work on with my clients is re-framing the past. If I see the past the correct way, I am then able to use the past for what it is intended to be used for. Most people try to escape their past and as a result are ill-equipped to handle their futures. They struggle with dealing with present day issues because they left the tools (that they did not recognize as tools) buried in their past issues.

If you look from the right vantage point, you will recognize that your past, present and future is woven together as a beautiful tapestry. If you study your past, you will learn more about you then you could ever image. Your choices, your troubles, your interest, your fears...all of these things paint a beautiful and unique picture of who you really are. The problem is that most people are so anxious to escape their past that they fail to take from the past the keys that are needed to unlock their current condition. The same is said with being single. 

Question #2:  What Is The Definition Of Me?  That's right...define yourself. Did you know that a lack of identity breeds a lack of purpose? If I don't understand what something is, I won't know how to use it. If I don't know how to use it, I will most likely abuse it's true purpose. Abuse is an interesting English word. It is actually made up of 2 different words: ABnormal and USE. It means that you are using something for a purpose that it was not intended to be used for. There are tons of things that are misused do to a lack of knowledge about its purpose. For the sake of continuity, I will stick to the topic of being single. Most people misuse the process of being single. They abnormally use this very valuable stage in their lives and as a result they are extremely handicapped in their next relationship.

If you know your identity, you can find your purpose. Your purpose is the "why" behind your reason for existence. If you date but you don't know who you are and why you exist, you won't know how to contribute to your relationship. I have seen many relationships fail due to individuals struggling with identity crisis. As a culture, we are suffering from a massive identity crisis. We all walk around with so many masks on that we often forget what we really look like. Most people define the quality of their lives based on their current conditions instead of based on who they truly are. When things are good, they are happy, but when things are bad, they are down and depressed. The same is said with being single.

Question #3:  What Am I Driven By?  Most people will give you the politically correct answer when asked this question.  They will say things like:  “I am driven by family,” or “God,” or “helping people.”  That is probably true on the surface but if you go deeper, you will find that those statements are distractions.  You will find that the truth sounds more like this:  “I am driven by fear.”  “I am driven by loneliness or my desire to please others so that they won’t reject me.”  “I am driven by my desire to have more money, my desire to be recognized as the biggest and the best.”  

You may cringe at the sound of that but I challenge you to look deeper than your emotions because they will fool you.  What drives you?  What are you passionate about?  If you are single but you don’t have a passion past your desire for companionship, you will invest in the wrong thing.  You will consume yourself with the idea of relationship and completely overlook the keys that you will need for future relationship success.  What consumes you?  Do you know that the thing that consumes you will be recreated through you?  If fear consumes you, you will reproduce more fear.  If lust consumes you, you will reproduce more of the same.  Most people neglect their passions and jeopardize their purpose in life because they are misplaced.  They are out of position in life and driven by the wrong things. If you are driven by the wrong things, you will find yourself constantly reproducing the wrong things…the same is said with being single. 

The Solution

If you made it to this point in my post, you have proven yourself to be very serious about taking advantage of your singleness. I challenge you to re-frame how you look at being single moving forward. You absolutely must be able to answer those 3 questions. If you can't or don't do so prior to dating again, you will severely limit the potential of your next relationship. Your past, your purpose and your passions...they all come as a package deal. As a life coach, I am obsessed with helping people recapture those 3 things so that they can restructure their lives the way that they really want them to be. As a relationship coach, I have the same obsessions. Because of this obsession, I have spent the last 4 years developing and testing a tool that is designed specifically for singles to truly take advantage of being single.  It helps to answer the question:  What should I be doing while I am single?  It's called the Relationship Readiness Plan. This valuable resource will help you answer not only those 3 questions but many more as your embark on your journey towards living the life that you were born to live. It is from this position that you should date.

To learn more about the Relationship Readiness Plan go here:  Relation Readiness Plan cover

Also, if you are truly serious about securing the keys to your next relationship while you are single and about receiving more tools that will help you remain positioned for your next serious relationship, we can serve as your biggest resource. By partnering with Single But Ready, you will have access to my Pre-Relationship coaching tool box so that you can benefit from the same tools that my clients pay me by the hour to receive...except you pay nothing. Simply add you email to the box below and you will be part of our exclusive email list. Sign up now to begin your journey.   

What Do You Think?

Which of the 3 questions have you struggled with answering?  Share your comments below. 

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