The 1 Problem You Don't Know You Have & 6 Tips To Fix It

What You Don't Know 

You are probably doing something that has caused your previous relationship to suffer and most likely will place your next relationship in jeopardy. ..and you aren’t even aware that you are doing it.  Don’t worry though.  Once you are done reading this, you will know exactly what the problem is and I will provide you with 6 very specific tips for how to fix it.  

I recently read something that inspired me to create a personal quote on the topic of dating.  Here is my quote: 

The difficulty of dating is that I introduce you to my “Ideal Self” with hopes that you never have to meet my “True Self.” 

Yea, I know…you will have to read that one more time, and this time slowly.

The difficulty of dating is that I introduce you to my “Ideal Self” with hopes that you never have to meet my “True Self.”  

The Truth 

Think of the validity of that statement.  This is probably true of 100% of your initial social interactions.  Whether it is a job interview, a conversation with your pastor or a first date, who you present yourself as is often very different than who you actually are. 

Unfortunately, it is this one truth that will jeopardize your next relationship. 

Not only do you dress differently, but you talk differently.  Your body language is different, as well as the expression of your personality.  You may be a true introvert but on an interview you present as extroverted and overtly social.  You may be a truly messy person but when you have company over, your house is spotless.  You may curse like a sailor but when having a conversation at church your language is full of “amen’s” and “praise the Lord.”  The person that you present to be on your first date is often nowhere near who you really are.  Why is that?

The Reason Why 

As humans, we have an almost instinctual habit of presenting others with our “ideal selves.”  We show people an image of who we would like to be, an image of who we would like for them to like.  And, we hide our “true selves.”   We cover who we really are with a mask of who we would like to be.  It’s like wearing false eye-lashes for (some) women or lifting weights and having muscles for (some) men.   They wear these physical accessories so that they can look better.  As if to say that I like myself more with these things on than I do without them.  Hey, I know…I used to wear grey contacts in high school…lol!

The unfortunate truth that makes dating so complicated is that 90% of people don’t really care for their true selves.  And even more unfortunate is the fact that those same people will struggle to be honest about their dislike for themselves.  You can always tell those who dislike themselves the most because they are the ones working the hardest at showing you their “ideal self.”  If you ask them to name one negative thing about themselves that they would like to change, they would most likely say something like, “I would change the fact that I am too nice, or too helpful.”

They are the ones that respond defensively when critiqued and hate to be around those that challenge them.  When it comes to dating, this one trait stifles the relationship the most.  After the cloud 9 experience wears off, people are often left with a more accurate reflection of who they really are.  You can only hide yourself for so long before the real you is exposed.  I could sleep with those grey contacts on for a few days but at some point they had to come out.  If you don’t like who you really are, then you won’t like being with someone that reflects back to you your true image.  Most people would rather be with someone else, someone newer, than to be with a person who constantly reflects back to them an image of who they don’t like.  Sad but true.

The Consequences 

I have witnessed marriages end over this and I have seen second and third marriages dissolve because of a person’s desire to avoid who they really are.  The moment they began to see a reflection of their true image, they lose interest in the other person who only served as a mirror.  In an attempt to avoid change, most people who dislike their reflection will project their problems onto the person who serves as the mirror.  When I reflect your issues, I become the problem.  When I become the problem (or the scapegoat for your issues) you never change.

I often tell my clients that the things they dislike most in other people are the traits that they dislike about themselves.  And your relationship will show you everything that you don’t like about yourself.  That’s the problem that you will face when dating.  You will be tempted to introduce this new person to your ideal self.  You will be tempted to wear a mask to your date…so that they will like the person that you would like to be.  But the moment you get a glimpse of your true self from the other person, you lose interest.  You avoid facing who you really are because you don’t like that person.  You would rather be your ideal self because that is who people are attracted to the most.

How To Fix It

Now that we know what the problem is, I want to give you 6 very specific tips that you can start using today to fix that problem for good.

1.) You have to be completely honest with yourself.  Try this:  make a list of the top 5 things about yourself that you dislike the most. Be completely honest about them.  Then share that list with a close friend or family member who knows nothing about those things.  Exposing things to others will keep them from being hidden.  

2.)  You have to accept that you are not perfect…and no one expects you to be.  Failure is a natural part of life, so is having flaws.  Most people are so busy trying to cover their own flaws that they don’t have enough time to even see yours in the way that you think they do.

3.) Lose the mask.  Don’t cope with your flaws by hiding behind a mask.  Fully accept you for who you are.

4.) Determine whether or not there are legitimate changes that need to be made.  Only focus on changing those things that need to be changed.  Only focus on changing those things that are unhealthy and counterproductive to living a healthy and stress-free life.

5.) Change. Truly change, don’t hide.  Instead of wearing a mask of who you want to be, become that person fully.  That way your mask doesn’t wear off over time…because it will if you keep it.

6.)  Stay around people that can help you be your true self.  Prefer people who are honest but accepting.  Not everybody will be able to handle who you truly are…and that is okay! 

The End... 

So there you have it.  The problem and the solution.  If you want to date better, you have got to initiate this process.  I understand the difficulties that lie ahead.  We are here to help.  If you are ready and would like to have an ally, submit your email below.  You will then have access to our free Ready VIP email list that grants you access to coaching tools and resources that no one else will get.  Change does not have to be a lonely process.  When you become your true self, you give your relationship the opportunity that it needs to survive.

Your Turn

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